
Robin egg found on the sidewalk outside of my office
Gratitude to gratitude always gives birth.
29 Wednesday May 2013
Posted Quotes, Resilience
inRobin egg found on the sidewalk outside of my office
Gratitude to gratitude always gives birth.
27 Monday May 2013
Posted Life Mastery Skills, Resilience, Wellness
inTags
Mental health, positive mental health, problem solving skills, Quality of life, sense of purpose, Weekly Wellness Check-in
Indicator #20 I have good problem solving skills
“Weekly Wellness Check-in” is an ongoing weekly post appearing on Mondays, in which I present one indicator from a checklist of positive mental health attributes. Take a look at the indicator and think about how it applies to you, keeping in mind it is an important factor of well-being. We all excel at some things, and need to work on others. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10; One, meaning I am a failure at this, and ten, meaning I have no room for improvement. Nobody may record a 1 or a 10 because there are no failures, and nobody is perfect. If you are happy with where you placed yourself, consider the indicator a strength. If you aren’t, think about a “realistic” place you would like to get to and how you might carry it out. My hope is that you will give it some gentle thought. I’d love to hear your tips on how to make each a strength in the comment section.
Previous weeks…
Indicator #1 I get a good night’s sleep so I feel healthy and alert
Indicator #2 I eat healthy foods to promote health and well being
Indicator #3 I exercise regularly
Indicator #4 I avoid mood altering substances (unless taken as prescribed).
Indicator #5 I make time each week to engage in activities that give me pleasure
Indicator #6 I have friends and family that I can talk to whenever I need a sense of connectedness
Indicator #7 I live in a home that feels safe and nurturing
Indicator #10 I let go of guilt for my past mistakes
Indicator #11 I have enough money, time, friends, space, love, fun, and affection
Indicator #12 I take action based out of love rather than fear
Indicator #13 I am part of a community that gives me a sense of purpose
Indicator #14 I live a life based on choice and meaning
Indicator #15 I am able to ask others for what I need
Indicator# 16 I am able to say no when I don’t want to do something
Indicator #17 I am effectively able to express my feelings and stand up for what I believe in
Indicator #18 I am able to identify what emotion I am feeling at any given time
Indicator #19 I am able to tolerate negative emotion
Wellness
26 Sunday May 2013
How to Listen to a Friend Who is Hurting
Any night of the week we can turn the TV on and hear heart-breaking stories of tragedy and loss. This past week was no exception with the devastating tornado that ripped through Oklahoma.
No words can express the horror of such an event; deep feelings of compassion and sympathy go out to all who have suffered.
As that tragedy unfolded, we saw helpers in action and listened to the sufferer’s talk about their loss while tears welled up in their eyes. In their grief they expressed gratitude to all who had eased their burdens, sometimes at great personal sacrifice.
I was both touched and moved. If you are like me, you might have felt an urgency to provide aid, if only through prayers.
We don’t need the evening news to know there is suffering. We need only look into our own hearts and the hearts of those we love, to recognize pain is unavoidable and is so much easier to bear with the help of others.
When we’re called upon to help a friend who is hurting, stories of others’ heroic service may come to mind, and cause us to feel inadequate, preventing us from reaching out. It isn’t necessary to be heroic; but being there, in whatever way we can, is important.
Other thoughts that might keep us from being there for our friends are…
What do I say?
How do I fix it?
I want to help but I don’t know what to do.
I’m shy.
I’m afraid their emotion will overwhelm me.
They’re so strong; they can handle anything.
I want to be there, but feel guilty because I can’t give all of my time.
I have too many problems of my own to be of any help to anyone.
If they won’t listen to my advice, I’m not going to talk to them.
Suffering is one thing all human beings have in common. We all know what it means and what it feels like. Individually, interpersonally, and globally, we are united in our desire to alleviate whatever pain we can.
Helping loved ones bear their burdens is the single most powerful act of peace we can perform. It not only helps those who are hurting, but gives us a sweet and powerful energy that enlarges our soul.
When someone you know is hurting, you can…
Just be with them.
Offer a hug or hold their hand.
Allow them to tell their story. Getting it out will help them begin the healing process.
Listen to understand. Be patient. Validate their feelings.
Offer empty space. Sometimes silence along with support is what is needed.
Be genuine and sincere in word and deed.
Offer to help.
Check on them often and ask how they are doing.
Make eye contact and ask questions that show you care.
Treat them like a whole person; not a victim.
Things NOT to do…
Ignore them.
Tell them your story.
Say you know just how they feel.
Be judgmental or moralize.
Offer false hope or try to paint a pretty picture.
Tell them how well they are doing. It usually doesn’t help and will make them feel like they can’t tell you how they are really feeling.
Tell them it’s time to get over it with pep talks.
Try to solve their problems. It doesn’t allow them to grow or heal.
Don’t ask questions unless you have time to stay and listen. It’s patronizing and is insincere.
Don’t force a butterfly out of it’s cocoon prematurely
Some important things to understand about helping a friend…
You can’t fix it.
Understand your friend is not likely to be thinking clearly or able to listen to advice.
The only way to get through a problem is to go through a problem.
If you try to help a butterfly prematurely come out of it’s cocoon, it won’t survive.
~Self Care~
Hyacinths to Feed Your Soul
“If, of thy mortal goods, thou art bereft,
And from the slender store two loaves
alone to thee are left.
Sell one and from the dole.
Buy Hyacinths to feed thy soul”
~Sadi
Caring for yourself while caring for others
Remember, this is not about you.
Know your limits. Don’t say you will do something you can’t.
Don’t be shocked by what they say in the depths of their emotion.
Don’t hold on to anything they say.
If your friend rejects your help, don’t be upset. Sometimes it takes a lot of offers for the hurting person to feel safe enough to open up.
Respect your friend’s privacy, but have someone you can talk to, to help you deal with your own feelings.
Make sure you take care of your own needs so you can take care of others.
Remember you are offering a part of yourself on your terms. You are in charge.
I asked my friends on Facebook to share what they thought was most important in listening to a friend who is hurting. Here are their responses:
Benjamin wrote: “Listening in a non-judgmental way. Eye contact, nodding, asking follow up questions, and other gestures that indicate that you are listening and that you do care. : )
Richard wrote: “Love them.”
Pam wrote: “Not telling them what they want to hear, but kindly helping them find the solution from with inside themselves.”
Shauna wrote: “Not being judgmental or critical but loving and understanding. Let them know that you will still be their friend through the good and the bad times.”
Jenny wrote: “I like it when people not only respect the difficulty I’m facing as a challenge (rather than something simple that I should get over) and also express what they see that is good about how I’m handling it, which makes me feel more positive about facing my challenge. (e.g. It sounds really tough to face______, and yet you keep working at it, and if you fall down, you always get back up.)”
Richy wrote: “It’s not about waiting for your turn to talk so you can give advice…it’s about just being there to listen. People often don’t want advice; they just want to talk about it.”
Shirley wrote: “No matter the visual cues you give, actually engage your mind and heart. Think and feel the words. One thing that doesn’t help me is to say, “I love you.” I’d rather have someone show that love instead by listening. The issue isn’t whether someone loves me, it is whether someone can help bear the hurt.”
Heather wrote: “Not trying to make something that is not okay, okay. Sometimes you just need someone to commiserate with and not to make it better. Just someone to talk it through with because sometimes just having someone to talk it through with, will help you figure it out.”
Mike wrote: “Being real with them…people can tell if you don’t want to listen to them or are not being genuine.”
What do you think?
Have a great week and don’t forget to share your thoughts with our community of readers.
Until next time…
Shine on 🙂
Barbara
22 Wednesday May 2013
Posted Wellness
inSaw this on Facebook today and had to share. It’s such a poignant message. Let me know what you think?
22 Wednesday May 2013
Posted Quotes
inWhat is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset –CROWFOOT
20 Monday May 2013
Posted Life Mastery Skills, Resilience, Wellness
inIndicator #19 I am able to tolerate negative emotion
“Weekly Wellness Check-in” is an ongoing weekly post appearing on Mondays, in which I present one indicator from a checklist of positive mental health attributes. Take a look at the indicator and think about how it applies to you, keeping in mind it is an important factor of well-being. We all excel at some things, and need to work on others. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10; One, meaning I am a failure at this, and ten, meaning I have no room for improvement. Nobody may record a 1 or a 10 because there are no failures, and nobody is perfect. If you are happy with where you placed yourself, consider the indicator a strength. If you aren’t, think about a “realistic” place you would like to get to and how you might carry it out. My hope is that you will give it some gentle thought. I’d love to hear your tips on how to make each a strength in the comment section.
Previous weeks…
Indicator #1 I get a good night’s sleep so I feel healthy and alert
Indicator #2 I eat healthy foods to promote health and well being
Indicator #3 I exercise regularly
Indicator #4 I avoid mood altering substances (unless taken as prescribed).
Indicator #5 I make time each week to engage in activities that give me pleasure
Indicator #6 I have friends and family that I can talk to whenever I need a sense of connectedness
Indicator #7 I live in a home that feels safe and nurturing
Indicator #10 I let go of guilt for my past mistakes
Indicator #11 I have enough money, time, friends, space, love, fun, and affection
Indicator #12 I take action based out of love rather than fear
Indicator #13 I am part of a community that gives me a sense of purpose
Indicator #14 I live a life based on choice and meaning
Indicator #15 I am able to ask others for what I need
Indicator# 16 I am able to say no when I don’t want to do something
Indicator #17 I am effectively able to express my feelings and stand up for what I believe in
Indicator #18 I am able to identify what emotion I am feeling at any given time
Wellness
19 Sunday May 2013
Posted Uncategorized
inHey Everyone,
Even though you can’t see comments posted as a thread, they are there. The comment button in the upper right corner will say either leave a comment…that means there are no comments, or the number of comment, such as 2 comments if there are comments. Click on it and read. Come on now, don’t be shy. Make your voice heard 🙂 and let’s increase that number.
Wabi Sabi Singing Bowl
P.S. I’m learning to draw with colored pencils so that I can illustrate my own blog. How daring is that? Never taken a lesson in my life, but I am having fun. My drawings look like my five year-old grandchildren’s but I don’t care, and in an effort to expose my vulnerability I’m going to share my first drawing. I shouldn’t have to say this but I am going to take lessons.
Just keeping it real…
Shine on 🙂
Barbara
19 Sunday May 2013
Posted Pioneers of Peace, Resilience
inEvery now and then I see something so exciting to me, I just have to share it. I’m always amazed with Ted Talks but this one, already seen by 4,000,000 people really grabbed me.
Talk about “keeping it real,” Brene Brown shares her research on shame and vulnerability and explains that those two difficult emotions are the foundation of what she calls a “wholehearted life,” and the birthplace of connectedness and innovation.
Trust me, I know everyone is busy but take 20 minutes to watch this. I promise you will thank me.
What makes you feel vulnerable, and can you see that if we choose to live a wholehearted life we must keep walking, even if we’re afraid? Most important things in life require taking a risk. When have you taken a risk to be your authentic self, and then been grateful that you did? Press the comment button and share your experiences. We’re all in this together and benefit from hearing from those who have had the courage to be themselves. It rubs off you know.
I’m back from guest blogging, and planning some pretty cool stuff in the near future. Help me increase my audience by sharing this blog with your friends and family. I’m looking forward to building a community of like-minded people devoted to cultivating their resilience and making a difference in the lives of others. I have an idea… if each one of you shared http://www.barbarascovillelcsw.com with two people, we would really begin to grow. Let’s build this together.
Take care my friends. Until next time…
Shine on 🙂
Barbara
15 Wednesday May 2013
Posted Mindfulness, Quotes
inTags
The little things? The little moments? They aren’t little.― Jon Kabat-Zinn
13 Monday May 2013
Posted Emotion School, Life Mastery Skills, Wellness
inIndicator #18
I am able to identify what emotion I am feeling at any given time
“Weekly Wellness Check-in” is an ongoing weekly post appearing on Mondays, in which I present one indicator from a checklist of positive mental health attributes. Take a look at the indicator and think about how it applies to you, keeping in mind it is an important factor of well-being. We all excel at some things, and need to work on others. Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10; One, meaning I am a failure at this, and ten, meaning I have no room for improvement. Nobody may record a 1 or a 10 because there are no failures, and nobody is perfect. If you are happy with where you placed yourself, consider the indicator a strength. If you aren’t, think about a “realistic” place you would like to get to and how you might carry it out. My hope is that you will give it some gentle thought. I’d love to hear your tips on how to make each a strength in the comment section.
Previous weeks…
Indicator #1 I get a good night’s sleep so I feel healthy and alert
Indicator #2 I eat healthy foods to promote health and well being
Indicator #3 I exercise regularly
Indicator #4 I avoid mood altering substances (unless taken as prescribed).
Indicator #5 I make time each week to engage in activities that give me pleasure
Indicator #6 I have friends and family that I can talk to whenever I need a sense of connectedness
Indicator #7 I live in a home that feels safe and nurturing
Indicator #10 I let go of guilt for my past mistakes
Indicator #11 I have enough money, time, friends, space, love, fun, and affection
Indicator #12 I take action based out of love rather than fear
Indicator #13 I am part of a community that gives me a sense of purpose
Indicator #14 I live a life based on choice and meaning
Indicator #15 I am able to ask others for what I need
Indicator# 16 I am able to say no when I don’t want to do something
Indicator #17 I am effectively able to express my feelings and stand up for what I believe in