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Barbara Scoville, LCSW

~ Cultivating Resilience

Barbara Scoville, LCSW

Monthly Archives: September 2013

Caregiver’s Storyboard: Gun Run for Grandma

30 Monday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Caregiver's Storyboard

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

adversity, Aging Parents, Caregiver, Caregiver's Storyboard, Caregiving, comic relief, Facebook, Gun run, Guns, Suicide threats, www youtube, youtube video

Hey Everyone,

Here it is…my first attempt at a YouTube video.

Hope you enjoyed our story 🙂 Check us out on Facebook at Caregiver’s Storyboard and remember: sometimes comic relief is what’s needed in times of adversity.

Until next time, may you find your cup half full 🙂

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

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Conscience or Critic? Your Choice

29 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Emotion School, Life Mastery Skills, Mindfulness, Resilience, The Power to Do, Wellness

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Choice, Conscience, Criticism, Four Agreements, Guilt, Miguel Ángel Ruiz, Moral Compass, Morality, Self awareness, Self discovery, Self Doubt, Self-Help, Subconscious

Graffiti in Florence, Italy

Graffiti in Florence, Italy -photo taken by Barbara Scoville

It’s eight o’clock in the evening and you have just sat down with your favorite drink and a book, when you hear a nagging voice whispering, “You shouldn’t be reading; there’s still work to do.”

Or…

You’re having lunch with a friend in your favorite restaurant. You look at the menu and see your favorite dish, and then the voice makes itself known again, “You can’t have that; it’s too many calories. Look at the skinny menu.”

Or…

You are exiting the freeway and see a family standing in the median with a sign that reads, “Stranded and hungry, anything will help.” You hear a voice whispering, “Go to Wendy’s and buy them dinner.”

Some people might call that silent voice their conscience, but is it really?

In Don Miguel Ruiz’s best selling book, The Four Agreements, he proposes the theory that the voices we hear in our head, are really the agreements (conscious or subconscious) we made as children with our parents and other people in authority.

What does that mean you ask? Let me explain.

Developmentally speaking, when an infant is less than four months old, he can’t conceptualize the fact that there are other people beside himself. In other words he thinks that whoever is holding him, is part of himself. In addition, he believes that food appears in his mouth and diapers are changed spontaneously.

Around four months of age this changes and the child becomes aware he is not alone. He also senses if he wants his needs to be adequately met, it is best if the person taking care of him is happy; and that’s where this conscience/critic thing all begins.

As the child grows older he understands he must comply by making agreements with his all-powerful parents if he wants to be happy.

I have to brush my teeth and take a bath or I will get in trouble.

If I don’t clean the bathroom spotless, my mom will be mad and I will have to do it again.

 If I get bad grades, I will be grounded.

Ruiz’s message is that we carry these agreements into adulthood.

Some of those agreements are good: “I really do need to practice proper hygiene.” But some are bad: “I am not smart enough; skinny enough; or hardworking enough.”

The disturbing thing is, they become so ingrained into our unconscious mind that we often unknowingly accept them as fact.

If as adults we are not careful, the critical voices in our heads (agreements we made with authority figures in the past) can continue to rule our actions through fear of abandonment. Even worse, they can define our identity.

Before we know it, we are making choices based out of fear rather than love.

One day I was walking in my upstairs hallway when a little miracle happened. I had the unexpected, uninvited gift of looking into my mind as an objective bystander. I was able to differentiate my own voice from the subtle yet powerful critical chatter that was calling the shots.

The chatter was saying:

 “Hurry, go faster… Others are expecting you to get ‘it’ done… What’s the matter with you? Why can’t you go faster? You’ll never make it. People will be upset with you if you can’t get it all done. You’re going to get in trouble. You’re doing it wrong. People are going to be unhappy. Hurry. Faster. Faster. ”

Startled by my observation, I asked myself, “Where are those voices coming from?” That’s when a fuzzy picture of my parents, former teachers, husband, children, magazine covers, and a lot of unknown blurry faces, began to come into focus.

Wait a minute! I didn’t give permission for those people (love them though I do) to take up residence in my head, let alone whisper orders from the recesses of my subconscious.

…and that’s when I decided to thank them for visiting, but tell them I would no longer be needing their services. From here on out I will be calling the shots; thank you very much.  

According to Don Ruiz, this is where we decide as adults which agreements we want to keep, and which we are going to drop. It is the true act of individuation

So what is the difference between your conscience and your critic, or is there a difference?

In psychological terms conscience is described as leading to feelings of remorse when one does things that go against his/her moral values, and to feelings of goodness or integrity when actions conform to his/her moral values.

Notice I highlighted his/her. I believe this is the key factor in determining whether the voice is your conscience speaking, or your critic.

Being an authentic individual requires us to choose our own values and morals.

As adults, if we abdicate our right to choose, we become subject to the critic. It’s perfectly okay to choose to keep some of the agreements we made as children, as long as it’s our choice.

As for agreements made through the influence of peers, and the media, do a mental inventory and decide if they are congruent with your moral values. If they aren’t, and they are inviting negativity into your life; KICK THEM OUT!

And by all means, make choices based on love and not fear. We can do it 🙂

That’s all for this week. Until next time, may you find you cup half full 🙂

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

ImageP.S. This post is not an endorsement for The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. I love the concept, but dislike the book. The four agreements are good principles to live by but the book takes it so far, in my opinion the message loses its’ power.

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Malala Yousafzai: Pioneer of Peace

28 Saturday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Pioneers of Peace, Quotes, Resilience

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

2013 Peter J Gomes Humanitarian Award, Education, Harvard University, Malala Yousafzai, Pioneers of Peace

malala-yousafzai-092

Yesterday, Malala Yousafzai received Harvard University’s 2013 Peter J Gomes Humanitarian Award. She is truly a Pioneer of Peace.

“Let us remember: One book, one pen, one child, and one teacher can change the world,” Yousafzai said. “Let us stand up for our rights, and let us fight.”

“Some people only ask others to do something. I believe that, why should I wait for someone else? Why don’t I take a step and move forward,” Yousafzai said. “When the whole world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.”

“They were afraid of the power of education,” Yousafzai said of the Taliban. “At that time, we did not keep silent. We raised our voice for the right of education.”

“The solution is one, and it is simple. It is education, education, education,” she said. “No one can defeat us. We can’t be afraid of anyone.”

– excerpts taken from The Boston Globe 9/27/2013

Related articles

  • Malala named Harvard’s humanitarian of the year (itv.com)
  • Pak teenager Malala Yousafzai honoured at Harvard
  • http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2013/09/27/malala-yousafzai-pakistani-teen-shot-taliban-tells-harvard-audience-that-education-right-for-all/6cZBan0M4J3cAnmRZLfUmI/story.html

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Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 12)

26 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Resilience, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: A Game

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Games, Identity, Michelangelo, Self awareness, Self discovery, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

images“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”Michelangelo

For most of us the answer to the question, “Who am I?” is work in progress. There are times when we are certain who we are, what we like, and what we want; and other times when it seems we have no idea at all.

It has been said that identity isn’t just about what you have done, but what you would like to experience.

Playing “Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way” is a fun game designed to help you discover who you really are. You will be given a series of choices and asked which option resonates most with you.  Some will seem easy . . . black and white, while others will require careful contemplation.

Play the game each week and over time watch how your identity takes form; like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble, only to reveal what he already knew was inside.

Included in the game is a polling box in which you can cast your vote and see how your answer compares with others.

Game Rules:

1. Think about each option and decide which one you identify with the most.

2. You may feel like you can identify with both, but choose the one you lean towards.

3. Feel free to think about the options in any way you like: literally, symbolically, metaphorically, preferentially, etc.

4. Claim your identity by voting in the polling box at the bottom of the page, and just for the fun of it see what others are saying.

5. Check in each week to answer the latest question that will reveal your identity.

6. Keep a written record of your responses and watch a description of yourself unfold.

Option: Play this game with your friend or partner. See how well you know each other and build your relationship by sharing aspects of your personality.

Ready to play?

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

This Week’s Question (Round12)

Are you more a football or a book?


Image

Related articles
  • Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 11) (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
  • Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 10) (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
  • Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 9) (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
  • Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 8) (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
  • Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 5) (barbarascovillelcsw.com)

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Is “Simple” the New Black?

22 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Caregiver's Storyboard, Emotion School, Life Mastery Skills, Mindfulness, Resilience

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Audrey Hepburn, Candy Chang, Caregiver's Storyboard, Facebook, Fashion, Harmony, Identity, Live Better with Less, Minimalist, Project 333, Simplicity, Slow, Stress reduction

audrey-hepburn-ballet-leopard

Is “Simple” the New Black?

I have always been intrigued by the concept of  “Simple,” so when I came across the minimalist blog, Be More With Less I was delighted. Courtney Carver, former advertising executive, now Simplicity Guru is the mastermind behind Project 333 which challenges us to reduce our wardrobes to 33 items for 3 months.

There is just something about a good challenge that makes me want to say: I CAN DO IT! So over the past month I’ve been mulling this over in my mind. Could I really pare my wardrobe down to only 33 pieces?  After all, I probably have close to 33 pairs of shoes. Shameful I know, but I am not the only one, and I know there are those with a lot more; so I don’t feel too bad.

What would it mean?

Austerity… Self Control… Diet… Self Mastery… Boring… 33 really great pieces that I love… Head space to think about other things than the way I look… Simplicity… Improved priorities… Space… Lower carbon footprint… Suffering?

Well, I did it yesterday. In preparation I mind mapped what my wardrobe should include. Categories were: pants, shirts, sweaters, skirts/dresses, outerwear, accessories and footwear. I didn’t include pajamas, underwear, or workout clothes.

Image 1

Next I thought of a fall color scheme which included: grey, black, ivory/white, denim blue, camel and mustard and then started to fill in the blanks.

I can tell you, getting started wasn’t simple and this is not a money-saving adventure. If I’m going to wear only 33 things, then they will be things I love. This led me to buy a very expensive (for me) pair of black Frye Combat Boots. I LOVE THEM, and I might wear them every day; even with skirts and dresses despite the fact that I am a woman of a certain age (that means old if you didn’t know.)

My wardrobe

My wardrobe

Last night I was pretty excited about my accomplishment. Here is what I learned…

  • I have a lot of clothes! My bedroom looked like a department store after I separated what I was going to keep, and what I was going to pack away.
  • The boundary of 33 (which is a metaphor for 40 in my case,) puts a halt to impulse buying. I have no room in my life for anything frivolous or excessive.
  • I have a very small wardrobe so I can afford quality. This is inline with my value of quality over quantity.  It is a personal truth. I know it because I feel my heart-strings singing like a beautiful violin.
  • I feel less greedy. I have enough for my needs. I feel like I’m living with more respect for those who are less fortunate.
  • I can take good care of 33 pieces that I love. My life is filled with “to do’s,” and I am often overwhelmed with taking care of “things.” I love the feeling of being released from duty to inanimate objects. I am free to use my precious energy on more important things.

The thought has occurred to me that this doesn’t have to apply just to clothes. What about “stuff” in general? I’m not suggesting a radical reduction to everything I own, but I do want to question everything. What would happen if I applied the spirit of Project 333 to how I spend my time? If I only had 33 months, days, or minutes, what would I do? Watch Candy Chang’s Ted Talk

Well that’s all for this week. I’ve been working on a video for Caregiver’s Storyboard called, “Gun Run for Grandma.” I will be posting it soon, so be watching. If you haven’t seen Caregiver’s Storyboard, check it out on Facebook and please tell your friends. Caregiver’s Storyboard is a safe place for sharing stories and i hope you will do just that. I want to hear from you 🙂

Take care and until next time, may you find your cup half full 🙂

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

Image

Related articles
  • Caregiver’s Story Board: A New Facebook Page (barbarascovillelcsw.com)
  • Choose Less to Be More http://letsreachsuccess.com

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Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 11)

19 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Resilience, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: A Game

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

careful contemplation, Identity, Self awareness, Self discovery, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way, Self improvement

images“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”Michelangelo

For most of us the answer to the question, “Who am I?” is work in progress. There are times when we are certain who we are, what we like, and what we want; and other times when it seems we have no idea at all.

It has been said that identity isn’t just about what you have done, but what you would like to experience.

Playing “Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way” is a fun game designed to help you discover who you really are. You will be given a series of choices and asked which option resonates most with you.  Some will seem easy . . . black and white, while others will require careful contemplation.

Play the game each week and over time watch how your identity takes form; like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble, only to reveal what he already knew was inside.

Included in the game is a polling box in which you can cast your vote and see how your answer compares with others.

Game Rules:

1. Think about each option and decide which one you identify with the most.

2. You may feel like you can identify with both, but choose the one you lean towards.

3. Feel free to think about the options in any way you like: literally, symbolically, metaphorically, preferentially, etc.

4. Claim your identity by voting in the polling box at the bottom of the page, and just for the fun of it see what others are saying.

5. Check in each week to answer the latest question that will reveal your identity.

6. Keep a written record of your responses and watch a description of yourself unfold.

Option: Play this game with your friend or partner. See how well you know each other and build your relationship by sharing aspects of your personality.

Ready to play?

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

This Week’s Question: Round 11

From the movie Gone With the Wind… Are you more Scarlett O’Hara or Melanie Hamilton?


Image

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I Just Have to Share…

18 Wednesday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Caregiver's Storyboard, Pioneers of Peace, Recipes, Resilience

≈ Leave a comment

1340833103

Greetings Friends,

This morning I was checking out Facebook and saw this video shared by an old friend of mine. I am so  impressed and touched, that I must share this Pioneer of Peace’s story.  I hope it brings happiness to your day as it did mine.

Click on the link to see what is right in the world today 🙂

<iframe src=”https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=653769891307979&#8243; width=”960″ height=”540″

Happy Wednesday!

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

P.S. Thanks Cyndy for sharing

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Caregiver’s Story Board: A New Facebook Page

15 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Caregiver's Storyboard, Pioneers of Peace

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

AARP, Aging, aging disability, Aging Parents, Caregiver, Caregiver Support, Caregiver's Storyboard, Facebook, hard stuff, national alliance for caregiving, Pioneer of Peace

Image 7

Hello All,

After publishing True Confessions of A Former Caregiver: And a Darn Good Cookie Recipe two weeks ago, I have continued to receive an overwhelming response that has been heart warming. It was a very personal story and though it was easy to write, it was hard to share.

Many came out of the woodwork to say how meaningful my words were to them, and talked about similar feelings, adding their own experiences equally as poignant.

As I listened to their stories, one thing became clear. It is cathartic to talk about the hard stuff. Too many people suffer and think they are alone in their experiences. Talking allows the demons to be released, and when they are released they have the potential of transforming into angels.

We all do our best in difficult circumstances but we all have limitations. The problems come when we have unrealistic expectations of what or how we think things “should be.”

Aging is as normal as being a baby, yet it is shrouded in taboo. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because on so many levels,we associate endings with loss in addition to not being mentally prepared for role reversals. Maybe instead of thinking in terms of role reversal, we need to think of role evolvement. Reversal conjures up judgment and fear because it doesn’t sound like we are progressing, but rather regressing.

Caregiving is not relegated to just the aging. Disability is no respecter of age.

According to The National Alliance of Caregivers

  • 65.7 million caregivers make up 29% of the U.S. adult population providing care to someone who is ill, disabled or aged.
    [The National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP (2009), Caregiving in the U.S. National Alliance for Caregiving. Washington, DC.] – Updated: November 2012

There are plenty of studies about the needs of the disabled and the dying, but what about the needs and psychology of the caregivers, and those left behind?

Rarely is the caregiver asked how they are doing, while the inquiries about those they care for go on and on. We are all in this together, yet caregivers often exist in the shadows.

To be fair, studies are emerging; but not fast enough.

Caregivers are a demographic much like parents, but different because of a lack of credibility. Don’t get me wrong; there is plenty of moral credibility, but to this point the role is not backed up with authority, or enough common practical knowledge. Decision making becomes so ambiguous. New parents, who complain children do not come with user manuals, had better buckle their seat belts when it comes time for caregiving, because they have no idea of what’s coming later in their lives.

It is time to normalize the role of caregiving and start preparing people for this stage of development. The best place to start is simply by talking about it; all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. As with all difficult things, emotional poison lies within the shadows.

The following are some Facebook Pages I have found that do a pretty good job of telling it like it is:

Caregiving Inspirations by Joy

The Caregiver Space

Caregiver Stress 

Caregiver 

Caregiving Manifesto

All of these pages make a valuable contribution. I wish I would’ve known about them when I was in the midst of my caregiving experience.

This week, I have launched my own contribution, by starting a Facebook Page called Caregiver’s Story Board, which will be a safe place for caregivers to share their stories.

9308937344_e059ba5eea

In Muir Woods National Park, there is a designated space along the side walk for free speech. When we last visited, we overheard an exchange between a little boy and his mother. The little boy said, “Mom, can I say the ‘F’ word here?” Yanking his arm and pulling him away, his mother emphatically said, “NO!!!”

Here are the ground rules for Caregiver’s Story Board:

1. This is a family friendly page. Do not use any vulgar language.

2. This is not a therapy page. While it is a safe place to share your story, it is not a place to ask for, or expect therapeutic help.

3. If writing is not your thing, you can post videos with your story.

4. All posts are subject to my approval. If I believe a post is contrary to the mission of the page, I will delete it.

5. Posts should be in the spirit of genuine disclosure, for the purpose of: bringing caregiving out of the shadows, telling your story, normalizing the caregiver role, and education for those who are interested in or preparing to fulfill the caregiver role.

6. By posting your story, you are giving permission for it to appear on Caregiver’s Storyboard, Barbara Scoville, LCSW Blog, and other social media sites.

Image 7

If this space is utilized, I believe it can make an important contribution to the understanding, acceptance, and normalization of caregiving.

I invite you to be a Pioneer of Peace and share your stories. Pass the word along that Caregiver’s Storyboard is a “safe place to land”during both the good times and the bad.

Just get on Facebook and search for Caregiver’s Storyboard. If you would PLEASE “Like” the page I would really appreciate it 🙂

That’s all for this week.

Until next time take care, and may you find your cup half full 🙂

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

Image

Related articles
  • Help for the caregiver (thehindu.com)
  • Caregiving; One Family’s Story (cltv.com)
  • 5 Things I’ve Learned as a Caregiver (aarp.org)

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Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game (Round 10)

12 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Resilience, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: A Game

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

fun game, Identity, Personality, Self awareness, Self discovery, Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

images“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”Michelangelo

For most of us the answer to the question, “Who am I?” is work in progress. There are times when we are certain who we are, what we like, and what we want; and other times when it seems we have no idea at all.

It has been said that identity isn’t just about what you have done, but what you would like to experience.

Playing “Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way” is a fun game designed to help you discover who you really are. You will be given a series of choices and asked which option resonates most with you.  Some will seem easy . . . black and white, while others will require careful contemplation.

Play the game each week and over time watch how your identity takes form; like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble, only to reveal what he already knew was inside.

Included in the game is a polling box in which you can cast your vote and see how your answer compares with others.

Game Rules:

1. Think about each option and decide which one you identify with the most.

2. You may feel like you can identify with both, but choose the one you lean towards.

3. Feel free to think about the options in any way you like: literally, symbolically, metaphorically, preferentially, etc.

4. Claim your identity by voting in the polling box at the bottom of the page, and just for the fun of it see what others are saying.

5. Check in each week to answer the latest question that will reveal your identity.

6. Keep a written record of your responses and watch a description of yourself unfold.

Option: Play this game with your friend or partner. See how well you know each other and build your relationship by sharing aspects of your personality.

Ready to play?

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way

This Weeks Question: Round 10

Are you more a fireplace or an air conditioner?

Fireplace
Ar Condiioner

Image

Pictures courtesy of http://www.thisoldhouse.com and http://www.energy.gov

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The Birds Convene a Town Hall Meeting

10 Tuesday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Syria, Town hall meeting

Image

South Jordan, Ut.  At 7:02 am., the birds on my block convened a town hall meeting in the  pine tree at the bend in the road. Their rhetoric was fierce as their chirping was heard as far as two blocks away. What were they discussing? Plans for how they will manage the scheduled water shut off between 9am and 5pm today, or perhaps the conflict in Syria and what President Obama will tell us in his address to the nation tonight.

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