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Barbara Scoville, LCSW

~ Pioneers of Peace™

Barbara Scoville, LCSW

Tag Archives: Fear

Embrace Your Uglies: They’re Sheep in Wolves’ Clothing

08 Sunday Sep 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Emotion School, Life Mastery Skills, Resilience, Wellness

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Buddhist psychology, Exposure for anxiety, Face your fear, Fear, Mindfulness of Emotion, Self-Help, Situational exposure, Stress management, stress management skills

I see you Mara...Sit down and have a cup of tea with me

I see you Mara…Sit down and have a cup of tea with me

…Oh Crap!!! I thought. The hair on my arms stood up, and I immediately knew that shutting the door was a big mistake. Everything inside me was screaming danger, danger…

It was in the spring of the year 2000. I was doing an internship at the University of Utah’s bone marrow transplant unit, and on this particular day I was screening prospective transplant candidates, by giving them psychological assessments.

Bone marrow transplantation is a difficult and lengthy procedure which has the potential of causing a person to regress emotionally under the strain. It’s important to know in advance potential problems that could arise.

I had just said goodbye to a lovely 15 year-old girl with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, when I walked into the waiting room to get my next patient.  “Mr. So in So, I’m ready for you,” I said, clip board in hand.

Looking back, I don’t know if I was too new to understand such courtesies as eye contact and introducing myself, or if I was just lost in a cloud of sadness from my previous interview. Whatever it was, my neglect proved to be disastrous.

He stood up and followed me to my office, which was a tiny room on the 5th floor, overlooking the Salt Lake Valley. After he walked through the door and took his seat, I shut the door as I always did to provide privacy, and turned around to look at him for the very first time.

Oh Crap!!! I thought. The hair on my arms stood up, and I immediately knew that shutting the door was a big mistake. Everything inside me was screaming danger, danger!

There wasn’t anything unique about his appearance. He wasn’t covered in tattoo’s and piercings. He wasn’t drunk. He wasn’t wearing a t-shirt that suggested anything provocative…there was just something about him.

I quickly assessed the situation. Should I open the door and let him know I was scared, or should I ignore my fear? After all, maybe I’m just being irrational. I chose the latter, which by the way, I learned to never do again.

It turns out my instincts were correct. This man had been released from prison the day before, his term shortened because of a leukemia diagnosis. Throughout the interview he baited me by boasting about his criminal escapades.

“Do you see all of those homes out there?” he said pointing out the window overlooking the valley. “I hid in the bushes and looked through many of those windows, watching women undress without them ever knowing it.”

Following through with my attempt to stuff my fear, I pressed on asking the interview questions. “So, Mr. So in So, have you had any surgeries or ever been hospitalized?”

Instead of answering the question, he said, “I’m scaring you aren’t I?”

“You’re not scaring me”, I said with a lump growing in my throat.

“Yes I am, I am scaring you,” he said.

“You are not,” I said forcing a smile.

“Yes I am. Do you want to know how I know?” he said with a sneer on his face.

“Yes, how do you know,” I said smugly trying to keep the upper hand.

“Because, you have big red blotches all over your chest.”

And then I knew, he knew. I was wearing a blue knit V-neck sweater.

Just as a side note I did not recommend him for transplant. My recommendations were ignored, but thankfully I wasn’t asked to work with him again. During the course of his treatment he held a doctor hostage. The hospital security team was called in and it was a standoff that lasted for quite some time, ending with a strategically placed shot of Haldol.

Skip forward to early fall that same year. The weather was hot in September, and this time I was doing an internship at Valley Mental Health, an outpatient-counseling clinic.

The temperature outside was nearing 100 degrees. I sat down next to a colleague for our weekly staff meeting, and as soon as I got comfortable, he leaned over to me and whispered, “What’s with the turtle neck sweater? Aren’t you hot?”

P1010416

After the meeting was over I shared my story of the ex-prisoner. I explained that after that interview, every time I found myself in a threatening situation, or even the slightest bit uncomfortable, I would break out in red blotches.

When I felt the red blotches coming on, I’d get embarrassed and that made them worse. It had gotten so bad, it felt like I was wearing blotches most of the time.

I didn’t EVER want to be in a situation again where:

1. A client could see that I was nervous

2. Somebody could think they had the power to unnerve me

3. People could see that my emotions had control over me

Wearing turtlenecks seemed like the easiest solution 😦

My colleague shared with me that he was a student of Buddhist psychology, and he thought he could help me with my problem. I was desperate and agreed to listen.

“Barb, you need to take the turtle necks off and put your V-necks on again. You need to embrace your blotches. Welcome them. Literally say, “Oh blotches, so good to see you. Thank you for coming. It’s so nice of you to come and remind me I’m feeling powerful emotions.”

“Are you serious?” I said looking dumbfounded. He assured me he was very serious and then reminded me: emotion’s job is to get our attention. If it senses it has our attention, it can leave. When we stuff emotion, it thinks, hmmm…she’s not listening. We need to turn the volume up, hence the blotches.

“But what should I do about my clients when the blotches come?” He said,” Just say, ‘Yep, here come my blotches. When I feel things strongly I get blotches.’ Just own them, he said. Act as if they’re no big deal. Your clients will see you modeling emotional regulation, and besides, they’ll see you’re human.”

Although it seemed counter intuitive, I decided to give it a try. I took the turtlenecks off and returned to wearing weather appropriate clothes.

I was hoping that would be enough…you know…show those blotches who was boss, but I wasn’t that lucky. It being the first month of actually practicing therapy, I had many experiences that brought the blotches out.

I see you Mara...Sit down and have a cup of tea with me

I see you Mara…Sit down and have a cup of tea with me

After that conversation, each time the blotches came, I welcomed them, somewhat the same way the Buddha did when Mara came for tea. See:

http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/2001/making-tea-for-mara

It became a game that I actually looked forward to. My friend was right. My clients did appreciate my honesty and they learned how to manage their version of blotches right along with me.

One day, again in a staff meeting, I was called upon to give an impromptu brief diagnostic formulation of a client. “Aughh! I’ve never done this before, and everyone is watching me. What if I make a fool out of myself? Everyone is going to see how inexperienced I am. I better start welcoming my blotches…at least they’re my friends.”

“Welcome blotches. Thank you so much for coming…but wait…where are you? Blotches, where are you?”

I had overcome my blotches. They had accomplished their work and could go home. Over the years they have returned when I am in the most difficult situations, and I welcome them back as validation that I am truly going though a hard time.

We have an amicable relationship, and therein I found my real power.

PLEASE take 14 minutes and watch the Ted Talk below. I believe it is the scientific explanation for why embracing your uglies works. Not only that, but it changes the way we think about stress. The implication being, “It’s what we make stress mean that’s the real killer.” If you can’t watch it right now, do yourself a big favor and bookmark it so that you can come back to it later.

That’s it for this week. 

Until next time, may you find your cup half full 🙂

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

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I Found My Heart in San Francisco

28 Sunday Jul 2013

Posted by Barbara Scoville, LCSW in Emotion School, Pioneers of Peace, Resilience

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Tags

charitable activity, Charity, Fear, Generosity, Homeless, Homelessness, Nelson Mandela, San Francisco, Selfishness

 Mandela-Day

July 18, 2013 was Nelson Mandela International Day. In honor of his 67 years of service, people throughout the world were challenged to spend 67 minutes in charitable activity that would make our world a better place. View the highlights from the day to see all of the amazing things people did.

I was inspired by this challenge, and began a quest to understand the virtue of generosity. Sparing you the details, I can quite honestly say that I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, but have come through the final tunnel safely. I would like to share the first steep hill of my journey…

My family loves San Francisco. We visit often and always stay at the same hotel.

The Handelry Hotel

The Handelry Hotel

We eat at our favorites restaurants…

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And walk from Union Square to the Ferry Building, stopping to shop at the Farmer’s Market…

san-francisco-ferry-building-front

I always look forward to visiting Gandhi standing amongst the produce and flower venders.

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Diversity, the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, and the labyrinths both inside and out of Grace Cathedral are among the things I love.

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San Francisco’s streets are lined with homeless people and panhandlers. Some play music, others are comedians, and still others are just passed out on the sidewalk with their dog(s) lying next to them. The disparity between the haves and the have nots stands out like a sore thumb.

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man-and-dog
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A couple  of years ago while visiting my favorite American city, I learned a lesson; in doing so, I found my heart in San Francisco.

It all started one evening while my family and I were eating dinner at our regular ‘first night in town’ restaurant, Bellini’s. Somewhere between eating salad and dipping the flatbread into olive oil and balsamic vinegar, my husband made the announcement that instead of taking our leftovers back to the hotel only to rot in the fridge, he was going to give them to someone on the street.

Alarms started going off in my head!!! To say I, the social worker had a very strong negative reaction is an understatement.

“Don’t do that! (Note to my readers: If my hands weren’t typing they would be covering my face in shame) They don’t want your food; they just want your money and will harass us for more.” My boys agreed with me and we begged him to listen to us, basically requesting that he not be so naïve (I can’t believe I’m confessing this). To his credit and my dismay, he stood his ground and boldly said he would do what his conscience told him. I rolled my eyes both because it came naturally, and as a last ditch effort to demonstrate my complete disagreement.

We had a leisurely dinner and when we were done with our pizza, we asked the server for take out boxes. With leftovers in hand, we walked towards the door. In the back of my mind I was wondering what was going to happen. I was half hoping everyone had forgotten about our earlier conversation and that the evening would pass without incident. Clearly my mind had fallen down the rabbit hole of one of my many complexes. We walked out through the open doors…

Not more than 5 seconds passed before an elderly woman bent over with osteoporosis and wrapped in a blanket, walked up to my husband and asked if he was going to eat his leftovers. Speechless he held the box out to her, which she grabbed and immediately opened.

We took a few steps up the street towards Nob Hill, and then stopped to turn around and watch.

She was inhaling the pizza as if she couldn’t satisfy her hunger fast enough. I looked at my husband who had tears filling his eyes. I caught my breath and swallowed deeply, (pride is large pill) as the lesson of charity burned an indelible image in my mind.

In all of the times we had been to San Francisco, nothing like that had ever happened, and nothing like that has happened since. Have you experienced something that you knew wasn’t a coincidence?

child looking back

When I look back on that night along with all of the other acts of charity my husband has included me in against my will, I ask myself: “How can I be so heartless when I care so deeply for people, especially those in need?”

facing-fear

The answer is simply fear. It stems from a childhood of my dad protecting me from harm in every possible way. I love him for that, but I  have developed a misguided conception of what harm actually is. Now that I have an awareness of what’s blocking my heart, I can begin to dismantle it. That doesn’t mean that understanding the fear will  prevent me from experiencing it anymore. It means I will have to look it straight in the eye and walk through it over and over again, until my brain gets rewired to think and respond differently.

How do you define “Generosity?”

Charity, Service, Altruism, Giving, Volunteering, Listening, Donating, Sacrificing, Sharing, Love… the list goes on and on.

In 2009, a $5 million grant from the John Templeton Foundation, was awarded to The University of Notre Dame to study “The Science of Generosity,” in order to understand why some people practice generosity and others don’t. In their study they explain…

“For our purposes, we use the word generosity to refer to the virtue of giving good things to others freely and abundantly.

  • Generosity thus conceived is a learned character trait that involves both attitude and action—entailing as a virtue both an inclination or predilection to give liberally and an actual practice of giving liberally.
  • Generosity is therefore not a random idea or haphazard behavior but rather, in its mature form, a basic, personal, moral orientation to life. Furthermore, in a world of moral contrasts, generosity entails not only the moral good expressed but also many vices rejected (selfishness, greed, fear, meanness). *note* Highlighted by Barbara for emphasis
  • Generosity also involves giving to others not simply anything in abundance but rather giving those things that are good for others. Generosity always intends to enhance the true wellbeing of those to whom it gives.
  • What exactly generosity gives can be various things: money, possessions, time, attention, aid, encouragement, emotional availability, and more.
  • Generosity, to be clear, is not identical to pure altruism, since people can be authentically generous in part for reasons that serve their own interests as well as those of others. Indeed, insofar as generosity is a virtue, to practice it for the good of others also necessarily means that doing so achieves one’s own true, long–term good as well.
  • And so generosity, like all of the virtues, is in people’s genuine enlightened self-interest to learn and practice.

Well, that’s all for this week, but I promise this is not the last you’ve heard from me on this topic. If you missed International Mandela Day, take the opportunity to have a belated celebration, by spending 67 minutes practicing the virtue of generosity. I would love to hear what you chose to do. If you need some inspiration, click on the link “View the highlights of the day,” found at the beginning of this post.

Mary-Robinson-Mandela-Day_600x400

Stop back later in the week for the next installment of Self Discovery the Michelangelo Way: The Game. At this writing, only 5 people have voted on whether they are more a babbling brook or a placid lake. So far, the placid lakes are winning out. Come on friends, cast you vote and participate in this fun game. I get a big smile each time I see a new vote.

Until next time, may you find your cup half full,

Barbara (The Blog Whisperer)

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